I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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