WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
