You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
