I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
