just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
