hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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