apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
