i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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