We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
