broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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