Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
