after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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