I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
