So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
