Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
