the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize