I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
