John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
