hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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