The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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