Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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