We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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