I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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