i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
