I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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