One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
