Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
