either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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