he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
