So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
