It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
