i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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