Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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