I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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