Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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