my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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