Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
