i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
