Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
