yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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