Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
