My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
