My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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