Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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