its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
