shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
