Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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