He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
