billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
