I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
