I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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