last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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