just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your cock deserves a montage
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
