I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
