Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
