i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This baby is an asshole
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
