You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
