I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
