I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
