I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
