saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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